Ah, what shall I review today? I mean, I have stuff I want to talk about that is not necessarily to do with video games, but this is, after all, a collection of video game reviews. And it's not like I don't have about 200 more games that I could talk about that I haven't already. But I don't have anything ready. Well, I'll just talk about the other stuff and then tack some video games in when it seems least appropriate. Or maybe I'll try to put the two together somehow.
Have you ever found out something about a friend that made you stop and evaluate your relationship with that person? Specifically something involving two friends that you were unaware of but that had been going on quite some time? I did, just a bit ago, and after I thought about it a second, it really pissed me off. No, not what I had learned; my reaction to it. I mean, it's stupid. I haven't known all this time, and I haven't cared, and it's not something that actually affects me personally one way or the other, so why should it be more than a blip on my radar, stored for future reference but mostly forgotten as being not particularly any of my business? But, you know, it does bug me. Mostly, I think, because I am, and have always been very jealous of my friends. I don't like it when they have other friends, unless I'm also friends with their other friends, and even then, I usually feel like they like each other better than they like me, and this hurts and pisses me off, which is stupid. I mean, so what if they do like each other better than they like me? So what if I like them better than they like me? Who gives a shit? Friends are friends, relationships are relationships, and as long as there's no romantic involvement(and since the vast majority of my friends are male, you're damn right there's no romantic involvement, at least on my part), then it doesn't matter if one side is more into it than the other side. It pisses me off that I am this way, that I get jealous of my friends having other friends. I think this is mostly a holdover from when I was young, and the only person who shared any interests with me that I knew was my older brother, who of course did not care to hang around his kid brother very much, so I was alone a lot. Or when I did have a friend, then I had exactly that, *a* friend, and so if they were doing something with another friend that didn't involve me, then, again, I was alone. (Except, of course, that you're almost never alone in a household with 7 people in it. Believe me, I went to great lengths to achieve that status sometimes, because being with people you have to be with is nothing at all like being with people you want to be with.) I don't know if I made my point or not. If I made any point. Ah, well. Too lazy to scroll back. Onward!
This is basically exactly the opposite of the way I feel toward video games. When I like a game, I want everybody to like it. I want everybody to be able to speak enthusiastically about how much they enjoy it, and what their favorite part is, and it doesn't bother me when someone else likes it more than I do, or when they're better at playing it than I am. Watching someone play a game can be really entertaining, if they know what they're doing. Like, for instance, SSX Tricky. Mostly when I watch people play video games, I'm annoyed that I am not playing, because I am selfish. Just in case you hadn't figured this out already. But some games, you watch other people play them, and they're so good, and so obviously enjoying themselves, that you just can't help but be swept along. Like one of my friends and SSX Tricky. It's great to watch him; it's just impressive. When you can routinely get a "? ? ? ?" trick off, that's what I call skill.
So, this has been an extremely strange review, all full of personal shit, and very little video game shit. But I did warn you, originally, that it might be this way. I think I'm off reading other people's blogs for a while, though. Because my shit is depressing enough. I'm not one of those people who are comforted by knowing there are other people out there who have shit going on in their lives; it makes me feel worse, because it increases my sense of helplessness, because I can't even do anything about my shit, so what could I possibly do for them?
I know exactly what you mean about being jealous of friends of friends, though. I do that too, and I wonder if it isn't for fairly similar reasons (I didn't have the older brother, but I generally only had one or a fairly small number of friends growing up). I have a lot more than that now, but the feeling still lingers and I occasionally have these weird jealousy feelings when one friend gets along really well with someone else.
Some sort of strange fear of abandonment or something, I think, and I'm not sure why, because I've never actually been abandoned for someone else that way; I've actually been lucky and had really loyal friends.
What I usually try to do when that hits is to find something to do with the friend that we both enjoy, just to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with the friendship, although sometimes that can be tricky. (I also struggle frequently with the feeling that I'm being too needy or wanting too much or giving too little attention. Feh. Interpersonal relationships are hard.)
Posted by: eagle at May 22, 2004 05:59 PM*nod*. i used to be very jealous of the friendships of my friends, and i do think that had a lot to do with me having few friends because, well, i was weird, and my birth family was even weirder, and i could never safely bring anyone home, but i couldn't tell anyone why, so people thought i was stuck up. it sucked. ghod, i am so glad i am no longer a teenager.
now i don't get jealous very easily, unless i have the feeling that i've lost something. and i worry sometimes that i am a lousy friend because i am not compassionate enough, but i try not to dwell on that because, shit, what am i gonna do about it? it's not like i am gonna change who i am at this time, and i don't want to learn to fake compassion; there are few enough genuine emotions around.
so i understand the feeling in general, i think, only i don't get the "likes somebody better than me" sort of thing. i don't even know what that means -- i never had a "best" friend, i can't rank my friends like that. i can make distinctions between "friendly acquaintance" and "pal" and "friend", but even those aren't really about liking people better, it mostly says something about how close we are, and how much we talk, and do stuff together.
sometimes i get weird mixed feelings. i actually do like to share my friends, and think it's really cool when they like each other, just like it's with you and video games. but when i can't do something with a friend, but another one gets to do it a lot, i have this odd mix of happiness for them but also envy because i can't be there and participate. it's sort of a mopey happiness, *heh*. i mostly kick myself in the butt then and play a video game.
Posted by: piranha at June 2, 2004 04:05 PM