I thought I'd start off with a review of the game that's been on everyone's minds lately, at least in my circle of friends, acquaintances, and customers: Minesweeper. I mean, City of Heroes. No, okay, City of Heroes is done to death, it's currently eating my soul and all, but I think I will actually review Minesweeper instead.
This game(hey, a paragraph break. Who'd'a thought?) is quite possibly the worst game ever made. It has had a deleterious effect on American society as a whole since its inception, with the only worse offender being computerized Klondike Solitaire. It's not very fun, even. But it sucks you in, because it's so easy to play, and there's that whole false element of danger, and if you're any good a whole game will only take you three minutes or so. So you think, "Well, that was easy, one more." Or maybe, "Hey, I almost beat my best time, I'll give it another go." Or you think, "Sweet monkey Jesus, I'm tired. I should go to bed. Well, but just a quick game of Minesweeper before I go." And then you lose on the second click. "Well, that didn't count, I didn't even really get started. I'll play until I get at least half the board clear." And then you get down to the point where there's no way to logic out where the clear spaces are, and you guess, and you're wrong. Or you make a stupid mistake because you're so tired that you can barely keep your eyes open. So you go, "Oh, I was so close, I'll just play 'til I win one." And now it's 5 o'clock in the morning and you have to get up in 5 hours(of course I have a slacker job. Please.), but you're still playing the damn game because you just can't fucking stop, just one more, oh, I almost beat my best time, it only takes a couple minutes, argh! MUST! SLEEP! So you turn off the computer and go to bed, only to have fucking *dreams* about Minesweeper, I'm not kidding, you think this is funny, dreams, for God's sake, and then your alarm goes off and you get up and you're so tired that standing is too much effort so you go sit in the only chair available, the one in front of your computer, and you think, "Well, I'll read a couple webcomics while I wait to wake up," and then you're done with that, and you don't even want to, but somehow the mouse goes to Start, then Programs, then Games, and finally selects Minesweeper, and so despite the fact that you were just up for 4 hour past your bedtime playing the damn thing, you're now playing it again, "just for one quick game," and suddenly you only have ten minutes left to get to work, and you haven't even showered, much less got dressed or eaten anything, and not to mention that work is fifteen minutes away. So you call your boss and pretend to be sorry that you overslept, when in fact you're sorry that you're so stupid that you can't even resist playing this stupid fucking game long enough to get your sorry ass to work on time. I hate Minesweeper. I hate it so much that my best time on Expert is 137 seconds. And if your best time is better, fuck you. I don't want to hear it. Bastards.
Minsweeper gets Minus 14 hillion jillion zillion quadrillion trillion billion out of 10. It's evil and should be stopped.
Just as a for instance, I was reading this review again after posting review #3, above, and I was nearly overwhelmed with the desire to play fucking Minesweeper. Fortunately, I was still pissed off enough at Soul Calibur that I was able to bolster my willpower and not play it.
Posted by: Mr. Giggles at May 12, 2004 10:47 PM(Got here via Russ.)
I just wish to say that Tetris is worse. Or have you ever been kissing someone you're deeply attracted to, and found yourself distracted by images of Minesweeper playing in your imagination? To the point where she (or he) notices and asks what's distracting you, and being an honest sort, you feel compelled to tell the truth?
After that, I stopped playing Tetris for years. It was probably a good thing.